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A husbands response - Why us?
Alan's wife Lesley had a mastectomy. She had a strong family
history so breast cancer was always a possibility.
It is like they say. Why us and why Lesley. You do go immediately
numb, wondering what does it all mean. Your thoughts go to
your wife and in our case, to our two sons who were with us
at the doctor's surgery. This was my wife' decision, she was
determined that we were all there for the verdict. And it
could not be worse. Or could it? The doctor is his usual clinical
self, positive but hardly with a soft touch.
You look at your kids faces and you know the ramifications
go far beyond all the trials and tribulations facing your
wife.
This affects the whole family. And what about me? What am
I to do? Should I be thinking about myself. But you do even
for a short time.
Your thoughts turn to your wife.
What is she in for?
What is the prognosis?
Will she survive?
What about the boys?
What about us?
Because of her mother's history the likelihood of Lesley
getting breast cancer was always on her mind and quite often
discussed. Every year tension was high around mammogram time.
But this didn't prepare you for this awful day.
So why us and what to do? You gather your thoughts and quickly
decide to just get on with it. The boys, as young adults are
amazing. Their positive outlook is a God send. It puts things
into perspective.
Then the word goes out. Family, close friends, friends and
others start to call. The tears flow, you start to understand
what is ahead of you and thus begins the process. Strength
comes from somewhere. You know the road ahead is long and
tough but nothing prepares you for what is actually going
to happen, the aftermath of the operation, your wife's pain,
the visual impact of a mastectomy, shaving your wife's head,
seeing the "weed" killer better know as chemo being
injected into your wife's arm, taking her home afterwards,
seeing her asleep in the bed completely drained and exhausted.
As a husband it is not easy although it is not happening
to you.
I like to think there is always a turning point and it happened
to me quite early. A friend, a husband of a former breast
cancer sufferer, called to see how he could help me. Me. Not
the wife but me. Quite a significant moment and one that made
an enormous impact. I am strong but this made me stronger.
It was recognition that the husband can also be deeply affected,
knocked completely off keel and in a real sense the forgotten
partner in this horrible time in a woman's life.
Breast Cancer is wide reaching in the dynamics of the family.
All members, children, parents and the like need care and
understanding but nothing compares with the needs of your
wife in dealing with the pain and anguish of this disease.
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We had to be strong for Mum-two boys'
response
Lesley's two sons helped her cope through the experience.
Despite their personal concerns they knew they had to be strong.
When we first found out about mum, we were sitting in our
home office all together.
At first there was an incredible amount of shock and hence
there was not much we could say. We both virtually broke down
but knew we had to be strong for mum. That's why we remained
so optimistic before, during and after the operation.
There were many tough times, but somehow we managed to get
through them. It wasn't easy going as a family to the hospital
to hear the doctor's opinions. But by having an extremely
open and well communicating family, we were able to understand
better the circumstances, procedures and the possible outcomes
that mum faced.
There were many negative emotions such as anger and sadness
and there was always the question of WHY!. We knew that we
just had to stay strong and optimistic. Not just us, but all
of us as a family.
Many things in our lives changed, but as a family we remained
as one.
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